So, I was going to start another delayed post with the witty greeting “brushing the dust of my keyboard” when I got stuck in a thought loop that I feel deserves a post…even if it’s just for my own piece of mind.
I feel like the entire Summer and into the Fall brought up more discussion than ever about mental health, which is a very good thing, but it got me a little lost. So, I figured this section of our website was best suited to hold what’s going on in my head.
What I have discovered over years of therapy, right down to this week, is that mental health, mine particularly, is in a constant state of flux and always reveals something new.
My most recent personal revelation is that I, and maybe I am not alone here, have a caveat of my personality that basically renders me with highest and best thoughts and intentions but little to know action…maybe it already has a name that I am un aware of.
For example, at the beginning of Summer I was high on a new reading project, writing a re-cap for a local convention, successfully working my business, hiking, camping and genuinely loving life. LOADS of emails were sent to new contacts with lots of potential for new and exciting posts. I finally got some kind of form for the book series I have wanted to write for years…Now to me that should have lent itself to maximum productivity…yet somehow I got lost.
***I could easily blame it on the sickness and then the passing of my grandfather, which hit me with more weight than I was expecting but that really isn’t fair. I don’t guilt myself the grieving process.
Covering conventions, reading books, reviewing books/art/products is really exciting, especially doing all of that alongside GiGi, who is as good and understanding as they come. I get lost in the daydreams of being a WeGeekGirl too often to count. So, why then are there conventions half written about, stacks of books to be read, even more to be reviewed, exclusive content waiting to be shared…a next level to be gotten to?
I have no answer save that a type of overly self critical paralyization takes over me if I don’t complete something right when I am thinking or working on it and it often remains undone…hence the reason I don’t suffer from this in my “day jobs”. I end up thinking about a project for so long that my original presentation/idea no longer seems “fit”…It’s the kind of self defeating mental trail that no matter how many cheerleaders you have, and I have A LOT, I am the only one who can flip the script.
August was spent in that pause that I forgave myself for and I thought I had adequately prepared myself an EPIC bounce back in September…I had loads to read/write about and NYCC was on the horizon. Still, I did not pick up a book and I did not log into our website. Why!?? I love it so much, I really do…WHY?
Almost as if the Universe picked up my vibe, NYCC became the thing that wasn’t going to happen and though initially gutted, ended up relieved that it wouldn’t be something else I couldn’t adequately write about upon completion. There were other reasons, sure, regular working life (for both of us) (which we have to do), health (which ebs and flows way more than it should), and personal life (which doesn’t always render the kind of free time it takes to complete said things). But all in all, it’s an inside job…and a job I haven’t been doing.
Enter, paralyzing guilt. I have thought at times that it was procrastination BUT that can’t be the word for it. I WANT to read, watch, ask questions, record sessions, write…but…I often don’t…I meant it when I say “I’d love to write, photograph, review this” I REALLY DO!
The more I look back and read what I just wrote, the more it sounds like how my anxiety and depression present themselves these days but then again, I am just not sure. The ability to still get out of bed considering everything I “feel” sometimes baffles me and so I guess that is what confuses people when they “see” me living life.
I guess I say all of the above to say this…
Please understand that I am not making excuses and all of this might sound like a lot of transparency for a geeky blog BUT I just wanted to say that this WGGs space matters more than I can convey and I am not sure that it has been translating over the past few months…so I needed to say it.
Promises don’t really seem like the thing to end this post with but know that I all current projects will be completed and I have lots of new things in the works that I will do…I just have to be a little easier on myself in order to get it done…
Anyone out there understand that?
Thanks, as always, for all of your support! See you again soon ❤