Beyond Our Front Door · Self Care · TWLOHA · We Geek Girls

Never below zero

Greetings all! I was in an interesting headspace this morning and I had to write about it. Take a look!

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If you start this blog, please finish it. I don’t know how long it will be but it’s a peek into my mind…a place I rarely fully let people into because no one wants to see every corner, right!?

By reading it all, what I’m about to say will make sense, hopefully, and all is well.

-> And there is your first glimpse at “me”. I over explain myself in efforts to ensure no one is inadvertently harmed in my ramblings.

Here goes…

I got in the shower a little bit ago thinking to myself “ok, it’s Sunday, the day you said you were going to share a little of your heart and bare a bit of your soul for the sake of this fundraising thing”…

Be careful what you wish for and what you promise yourself, because, often, exactly that will happen. Sounds like a good thing, right, but what if it’s not the bright and bubbly thing you thought it was going to be!?

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Last year the fundraiser for World Suicide Prevention Week snuck up on me. I had just committed to become a TWLOHA Blue member and was riding high on that commitment to do more. So high, in fact, that I became a fundraiser only two weeks before WSPD17 and let it rip.

The first day I went live to introduce the cause and the campaign. I can’t remember if my goal was $500 or $1,000 but I remember not caring, I just wanted to spread my enthusiasm! And it worked! By the time the two weeks had passed, my incredible donors had pushed my campaign up to $650. I am still SO proud of that number!

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So much has happened since that campaign…countless, important conversations, Heart Camp, my second Heavy & Light, a decision to become a crisis counselor, the painful decision that even though I wanted to help, I wasn’t ready to do it in that way, more important conversations, SO MUCH GROWTH and so much LIFE!

I would have had to document every single, little, little, thing (perhaps I should start) to convey what a life changing thing my decision to do more has been for me.

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Here’s the truth of it though.

I knew before this years WSPD campaign started that I would once again choose TWLOHA and I would again choose a solo campaign. I mean I raised $650 dollars last year. That number HAS to go up, right!? Set the bar at it’s highest and it has to happen…right!?

No, Candice, it doesn’t.

I’ve never got a glimpse of my human condition, more than I have in the week that has past.

My campaign has been a zero since day one and it has gutted me. A few days of no movement were ok…I started to share a bit more in hopes that it would remind my little world how important it is, but still the number didn’t move.

I began to wonder what I had done to one of my biggest support systems (my social media family) and how I could repair the damage.

Do I not live out what preach?

Do I preach? If so, what am I saying?

Did I not honor the money that was given last year?

Did I forget to thank someone?

Did I forget to follow up with someone?

Did I forget someone?

The questions echoed for days.

I am friends with people within and apart of the TWLOHA story now so I see the overall numbers going up. I hear the stories of help and hope ripple to the next recipient of that very help and hope.

What am I doing wrong? It’s all I’ve been asking myself these past few days, while still trying to share a bright and positive demeanor…

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The moment I got out of the shower and picked up my phone to blog, it hit me like a wave!!!!

This, my dear hearts, is staying the course!

Choosing to support a cause (and it’s people) that helps a population saturated with mental health issues, myself included, IS NOT EASY!

The work isn’t done…not with $650 or Millions…

It’s work that requires time, energy, understanding, kindness, patience, resilience and endurance.

Last night I went to hear and meet an author that I adore, not knowing that her new book, The Pursuit of Endurance, would be about way more than what it takes to hike the AT.

“No matter where we are, we are all mid-journey” ~Jennifer Pharr Davis

In all the lessons I’ve learned in the year that I’ve “done more” for the cause of suicide prevention, I never realized it was teaching me endurance.

The goal and the cry of my heart is to let people know that they matter. This life is theirs for a reason and that reason isn’t to be continuously hurt, always misunderstood, unheard, unseen or unloved.

Love, acceptance, peace and LIFE is out there for all of us, we just have to be ready for it’s shapes, sizes and forms.

It’s work to find it, work to be open to it and work to keep opening to it.

I know all of that because, it’s my story. I’ve had so much support, my entire life, but I needed help to see it.

Being heard saved my life and still does.

There are thousands of people out there that don’t get that chance. I am not a mental health professional but one of the things I can do with my great love of people is continue to spread the message of Hope and Help.

#tomorrowneedsme to stay the course. It needs me to show up, even when it’s hard because I am not alone (nor you) in the Heavy and that makes the Light that much sweeter!

Thanks for sharing my brain on a Sunday afternoon (now evening). I love and appreciate all who have and do continue to walk this road with me.

I’m still fundraising, because while the work doesn’t end with me reaching my goal, it helps get almost a dozen people the resources they need to keep choosing life and running toward HOPE.

Here’s the link

https://give.twloha.com/fundraiser/1562549

You are loved 💗

~CC

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